Exile

Another weekend has passed by really slowly. It’s Sunday morning but I have work tonight so I’m just counting down the hours. I’ve been doing absolutely nothing this weekend, just like the last ones that have passed since I got sober. It’s been 20 days today since I drank my last drink. And I’m not very good with this life thing yet. I don’t really know what to do with myself. You know, I was a full blown alcoholic, for years, I didn’t just have a drink too many here and there and maybe a bit too often. I was drunk every single day. I started drinking as soon as I woke up until the moment I passed out.

And now I’m sober. And I’m so grateful that I’ve made it this far, but still. I have never really had a life before alcohol and I don’t know what people do with their time. I’m kinda just existing, tearing around at home with no clue what to do. I guess I’ll get the hang of it soon enough but it’s starting to really get to me. I’m so extremely bored and restless. I’ve been watching countless movies, read a million books, doing housework and I’m out on long walks listening to music for hours a day, but I’m getting sick of it. What do people do with their time?

The thing is that I need thrills and excitement in my life to feel satisfied, that’s what alcohol gave me and I don’t know how to get it without. Not yet at least, and it’s so frustrating. I think I need to relearn my whole mindset, maybe it’s not that important to feel ecstatic all the time, maybe I don’t have to be out chasing thrills every day. maybe it’s time to feel something else, like safe, warm and content. I’m working towards it every day but it’s really hard, especially when it’s something I’ve never had or wanted before.

I want to be sober. But I also want to be on the roads, the bars and the big city streets. And those things are so hard to combine, at least just right now. I think I need to be sober for quite some time before I can go out and explore what I want in life, without falling of the rails. I don’t want to get lost again.

Sober and bored

I’ve been sober for 14 days today and I am about to lose my mind. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so incredibly bored and unhappy right now. I know it’s probably just a phase of the whole getting sober thing, but I just want a fucking drink, man.

At work it’s fine, at least there I have something to do you know. It’s the weekends that are the problem. I’m just sitting at home with nothing to do. I’m reading, writing, watching movies. That’s it. Alone with my own thoughts, just trying to ride it out.

I’m not going to drink, even though I would really love to. But I want a different life for myself, so I am going to suck it up and be a good girl. I can’t wait for the day when I have saved up enough money to leave this place, to leave the temptation. I know it’s going to be really lonely, but honestly I’m really lonely right now too. All my friends are either big drinkers or addicts too, that’s basically how we all found each other. So I’m staying away from them, at least for now, because I know that if I see them, I’m going to fall right back. I’m in this by myself and it fucking sucks.

It’s been kinda quiet in here for a couple of days. I started this blog to have somewhere to write down my thoughts, and I told myself I would only write when I felt like it. No pressure. And right now I don’t really have anything to write about. Nothing is really happening. I’m used to always having a million thoughts in my head spinning around at the same time, but now it’s just empty. I feel absolutely nothing. And I think that’s what scares me the most, the nothingness, because I don’t know how to work with that. How do you work with nothing?

Lying to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf

This will be my first sober weekend in a very long time. A Friday without a bottle of wine has never been an option before. I’m not looking forward to it. Not at all. I’m scared I’m going to get bored. Boredom is what always had me fall off the wagon. When I’m sober I get restless and anxious. Especially when all of my friends are drinking. It’s like an obsession, and I’ll convince myself “one vodka soda won’t hurt”. And it wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the ugly truth that it never just stops at one drink. It’s all or nothing. And when all of it is gone, I’ll be out chasing more. The fun never stops.

What gets me the most is the thought of never having a drink again. Being able to have a beer with a friend or a glass of wine on a date. I keep telling myself that one day, I will be able to drink responsibly. I just need to be sober for a while, maybe a couple of year tops? But of course, deep down, I know that is probably not the case. Maybe I’ll never be able to have a single sip again. Or maybe I will. All I can really do is try to accept that.

Darling darling, doesn’t have a problem

Hi, my name is Fiona and I am an alcoholic.

I’ve known about it for several years but I don’t think I ever accepted it until now. Maybe I still haven’t. I believe the main reason I haven’t been able to stop drinking is because I don’t want to. I love alcohol. I love how it makes me feel. Like I’m the happiest girl in the world. Invincible. But when the drinking goes from a few times a week to every single day, from the moment you wake up until the moment you pass out in the evening, it starts getting less and less fun. When you only drink to get normal. Not drunk. Not to have fun. Just to keep you afloat.

I haven’t touched a drink in 3 days now. I would love to. But I won’t. For me. For my life, and for my future. I will use this blog as a digital diary, and to hold myself accountable, not just for me, but to everyone else. And I hereby swear to be completely honest about my journey, about the ups & downs, every win and every failure.