It’s been a couple days since I wrote anything in here. I tried a few times but ended up deleting everything, which I feel is kinda bad because writing everything down really helps me a lot, but I really haven’t been able to put anything together. It’s really messy inside my mind right now and nothing seem to make sense, I’m basically just rambling out a million different thoughts at the same time.

I’ve been struggling a lot with my sobriety the last week, more than ever before actually. I haven’t been drinking though, don’t worry. I’ve been sober 32 days today, and I’m planning on staying sober. Hopefully forever I guess. But at least a year. Just to get things straight and figure out what I want to do in life.

I have so many things on my mind right now I don’t even know where to start. It’s like I’m thinking about a million things at the same time, and as soon as a new thought comes up the other one disappears, and I don’t even get to finish them lol.

I’m thinking about the future, the past, money, success, ambitions, work and everything in between. I’m literally so bad with my thoughts, I have no control over them what so ever, I’m basically just winging my way through my mind, trying to keep up. It all spins so fast I’m getting dizzy.

I also got only two hours of sleep today which doesn’t help at all, it feels like I’m basically brain dead, and I need to leave for work in one hour so I don’t really have time to get any more rest. I’m probably just going to get myself a huge cup of coffee and hope I’ll survive the night. Ugh, I wish my doc would prescribe me some sleeping pills I could take on days like these. I feel like my life would improve greatly if I could only sleep properly. But he won’t, that lil bitch. And I have no idea why, he only tells me that it’s not a solution, which I obviously already know, but goddamn it would really be a lifesaver at times when I’ve slept badly for several days.

Imagine a life where you sleep 8 hours a night. What a fucking dream that would be.

I’m in my party dresses and diamonds era it seems. I romanticize everything these days. Alcohol, drugs, love & rage. Probably because I’m trying to get away from all that.

I’m trying to write but all I can think of is glittering, glimmering, shimmering crystals. High heels, dresses and big beauty queen hair. Hollywood glamour. So romantic & so tragic at the same time.

I miss partying, I miss the late summer nights out on the town. Dancing on tables & singing in bars. I fucking loved that shit. What I don’t miss is the alcohol, that’s what I’m trying to stay away from. I need to get that shit under control before I can go out again. I think I can be one hell of a party girl even without a drink in my hand, I’ve always been a showgirl. Sure, that went away for awhile under my dark period, but she’s still there. I can feel her.

The future is looking really bright from where I’m standing. Life is going to be like a fucking dream, darling.

I’m dreaming about different places. A different country. A different city and a different home. I’ve never traveled you know. Never saw the world. I’m just growing old. I’m still in my 20’s so I know it’s not to late, I just wish my dreams would come true sooner. I wish I had my mental health in check when I was younger, maybe I’d been in a different place today. Had come further. I feel like I’m dancing around in circles on the exact same spot.

I used to be barefoot in bed, now I’m in high heels and party dresses. What if someone comes along, softly takes my hand and say: let me take you away. I’m dreaming about the American dream. Beauty queens, Hollywood curls and bubblegum pink nail polish.

So I’ve been working the night shift basically my entire adult life, and I totally love it. It’s something about the dark & quiet at night. Sitting outside, having my “lunch” at midnight, completely by myself. It’s so calming. And then I get home early in the morning and sleep during the day when everyone is rushing outside. Of course it gets kind of lonely at times but I’ve never had any problems being by myself. Not since my teenage years at least. As a kid and teen I hated being alone, probably because I hated myself. I hated being an only child, and I always wished for siblings.

But now I’ve learned to enjoy my own company. My alone time is when I thrive. When I can write, read or do absolutely nothing without anyone bothering me. Learning to be alone with yourself and be completely fine with it is something I believe everyone would benefit from. It makes life so much more peaceful.