This year has been a true test of strength for me. For many years my life has really been a downward spiral, and I’d been under water for so long I didn’t realize I was drowning until I reached the bottom of the ocean.

I went through hell and despair when everything around me seemed to crumble. I was drinking morning and night just to hide from my own self destructive mind. I spent most of my time barely exiting. A naturally following step was isolating myself from the outside world – and being completely fine with it. I decided to choose my own reality, and being ok on my own is a positive thing for me. By living in a small town, being a female not really fitting in with the rest, and also being fairly happy doing so can be quite provoking to some people. But that’s ok, it doesn’t make any difference to me.

Now when we’re getting closer to the end of the year I can say that things have improved greatly. I’m finally sober, after all these years (it’s only been a week so far but you gotta start somewhere right). I’m thankful for the few close friends that I have, I’m learning new things every day, I’ve picked up writing and hopefully I’ll get a lot better at it soon. Documenting my journey seems like a good step to take to get better and to look back on in the future to actually see how far I’ve come.

And I definitely look forward to getting older and wiser 🖤

I feel like people are so fast to judge these days. Or maybe I just haven’t noticed before. Punches are thrown left & right. And the cancel culture. It’s all so crazy to me. There’s not one single person who won’t make mistakes or screw up sometimes. We all do. It doesn’t make us bad people.

Even the sweetest person in the world is the villain in someone’s story. And it’s just so sad that, that one time someone did or said something bad is what everyone decides to focus on instead of the million good things.

We need to start giving people more chances to make things right, and actually give them credit when they do. People are usually nicer then you think.

The absolute best lesson I learned in life is that you can’t control how people are going to treat you, you can only control how you react to it. And not everyone who hurt you cares. So why should you care? You have to just let it go and move on. It’s hard, but when you finally learn, life will get so much easier.

Obsessing over what someone said or did to you will bring you nothing but harm, especially if that said person doesn’t even care that they hurt you to begin with. You don’t have to forgive, but you have to forget & let go. And the easiest way to letting go is to forgive. Not for anyone else, just for yourself. And you don’t even have to tell them about it. Just do it for you.

Growing up wasn’t the easiest for me. My mother is psychotic and was in and out of mental hospitals most of the time. The short periods she spent at home she fucked things up as much as she possibly could before she would be forced back. All I really remember about my mom is how scared I was of her. The rest is getting kind of vague.

My dad was a part time deadbeat alcoholic who would come and go as he pleased, and offer nothing. No help, no support. I’ve never had much of a family and have as long as I can remember taken care of my self for the most part. I’ve been my own parent. Therefore my only goal growing up was to become the person I needed when I was younger. Someone you can rely on, someone trustworthy, stable & loving. And I am still working on it.

The problem is, that I was always so worried about turning in to my mom, that I didn’t realize I was turning in to my dad.