Music

I try to write a poem
but all I hear is music
as I write, the words slip from my colorful mind to the tip of my tongue, I hum

my notepad is full of sparkling notes and tones
ink stains on every goddamn page
I erase
hands longing for piano keys, I hear the bow strokes
every finger on each string, a honey sweet song

girl, come on
let it go, write a poem 

I try to write poetry but it turns into songs 
tell a story, a feeling 
put bleeding hearts on blank paper spaces, embrace it

maybe the only ones who will ever like my poems
can all hear the music

Dreaming in high heels

I’m dreaming about different places. A different country. A different city and a different home. I’ve never traveled you know. Never saw the world. I’m just growing old. I’m still in my 20’s so I know it’s not to late, I just wish my dreams would come true sooner. I wish I had my mental health in check when I was younger, maybe I’d been in a different place today. Had come further. I feel like I’m dancing around in circles on the exact same spot.

I used to be barefoot in bed, now I’m in high heels and party dresses. What if someone comes along, softly takes my hand and say: let me take you away. I’m dreaming about the American dream. Beauty queens, Hollywood curls and bubblegum pink nail polish.

Caramel Cream

My poetry’s bad and I blame it on you. How am I supposed to write like Sylvia Plath when all I have in my sight this dark velvet night, is your caramel cream colored eyes.

You say put down the pen, hon’. Slip in your laces, let’s go all your favorite places, let’s put some dollars on the races.

I’ll chase you, race you, through the small town firelike twilight, you’re the highlight, darling, sippin’ on that sparkling white crystal.

Where is my mind?

If I wasn’t so fucked up I think I’d write about every little thought on my mind. Let you see it all. Light it up baby, let it shine like a million dollars worth of diamonds on every corner of my chaotic mind. All the flaws and all the scars, all the fucked up compulsive thoughts.

The future looks glimmerin’, darling

This year has been a true test of strength for me. For many years my life has really been a downward spiral, and I’d been under water for so long I didn’t realize I was drowning until I reached the bottom of the ocean.

I went through hell and despair when everything around me seemed to crumble. I was drinking morning and night just to hide from my own self destructive mind. I spent most of my time barely exiting. A naturally following step was isolating myself from the outside world – and being completely fine with it. I decided to choose my own reality, and being ok on my own is a positive thing for me. By living in a small town, being a female not really fitting in with the rest, and also being fairly happy doing so can be quite provoking to some people. But that’s ok, it doesn’t make any difference to me.

Now when we’re getting closer to the end of the year I can say that things have improved greatly. I’m finally sober, after all these years (it’s only been a week so far but you gotta start somewhere right). I’m thankful for the few close friends that I have, I’m learning new things every day, I’ve picked up writing and hopefully I’ll get a lot better at it soon. Documenting my journey seems like a good step to take to get better and to look back on in the future to actually see how far I’ve come.

And I definitely look forward to getting older and wiser 🖤

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

I feel like people are so fast to judge these days. Or maybe I just haven’t noticed before. Punches are thrown left & right. And the cancel culture. It’s all so crazy to me. There’s not one single person who won’t make mistakes or screw up sometimes. We all do. It doesn’t make us bad people.

Even the sweetest person in the world is the villain in someone’s story. And it’s just so sad that, that one time someone did or said something bad is what everyone decides to focus on instead of the million good things.

We need to start giving people more chances to make things right, and actually give them credit when they do. People are usually nicer then you think.

Lying to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf

This will be my first sober weekend in a very long time. A Friday without a bottle of wine has never been an option before. I’m not looking forward to it. Not at all. I’m scared I’m going to get bored. Boredom is what always had me fall off the wagon. When I’m sober I get restless and anxious. Especially when all of my friends are drinking. It’s like an obsession, and I’ll convince myself “one vodka soda won’t hurt”. And it wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the ugly truth that it never just stops at one drink. It’s all or nothing. And when all of it is gone, I’ll be out chasing more. The fun never stops.

What gets me the most is the thought of never having a drink again. Being able to have a beer with a friend or a glass of wine on a date. I keep telling myself that one day, I will be able to drink responsibly. I just need to be sober for a while, maybe a couple of year tops? But of course, deep down, I know that is probably not the case. Maybe I’ll never be able to have a single sip again. Or maybe I will. All I can really do is try to accept that.

Midnight thoughts

So I’ve been working the night shift basically my entire adult life, and I totally love it. It’s something about the dark & quiet at night. Sitting outside, having my “lunch” at midnight, completely by myself. It’s so calming. And then I get home early in the morning and sleep during the day when everyone is rushing outside. Of course it gets kind of lonely at times but I’ve never had any problems being by myself. Not since my teenage years at least. As a kid and teen I hated being alone, probably because I hated myself. I hated being an only child, and I always wished for siblings.

But now I’ve learned to enjoy my own company. My alone time is when I thrive. When I can write, read or do absolutely nothing without anyone bothering me. Learning to be alone with yourself and be completely fine with it is something I believe everyone would benefit from. It makes life so much more peaceful.

Let it go babe

The absolute best lesson I learned in life is that you can’t control how people are going to treat you, you can only control how you react to it. And not everyone who hurt you cares. So why should you care? You have to just let it go and move on. It’s hard, but when you finally learn, life will get so much easier.

Obsessing over what someone said or did to you will bring you nothing but harm, especially if that said person doesn’t even care that they hurt you to begin with. You don’t have to forgive, but you have to forget & let go. And the easiest way to letting go is to forgive. Not for anyone else, just for yourself. And you don’t even have to tell them about it. Just do it for you.

The beginning

Growing up wasn’t the easiest for me. My mother is psychotic and was in and out of mental hospitals most of the time. The short periods she spent at home she fucked things up as much as she possibly could before she would be forced back. All I really remember about my mom is how scared I was of her. The rest is getting kind of vague.

My dad was a part time deadbeat alcoholic who would come and go as he pleased, and offer nothing. No help, no support. I’ve never had much of a family and have as long as I can remember taken care of my self for the most part. I’ve been my own parent. Therefore my only goal growing up was to become the person I needed when I was younger. Someone you can rely on, someone trustworthy, stable & loving. And I am still working on it.

The problem is, that I was always so worried about turning in to my mom, that I didn’t realize I was turning in to my dad.