What’s my name?

It’s been a couple days since I wrote anything in here. I tried a few times but ended up deleting everything, which I feel is kinda bad because writing everything down really helps me a lot, but I really haven’t been able to put anything together. It’s really messy inside my mind right now and nothing seem to make sense, I’m basically just rambling out a million different thoughts at the same time.

I’ve been struggling a lot with my sobriety the last week, more than ever before actually. I haven’t been drinking though, don’t worry. I’ve been sober 32 days today, and I’m planning on staying sober. Hopefully forever I guess. But at least a year. Just to get things straight and figure out what I want to do in life.

Play house

Love is the most important thing for me. It has always been. Absolutely in a destructive way. Nothing else matters unless there’s love. I have no difficulties being alone, it’s not about that, I just always have to believe that love is out there. And if I’ve ever doubted it, it’s then my life has fallen down in this pitch black hole of nothingness. But also, love is the one thing that has never turned out like I thought it would.

I’ve had a few lovers. And some of them really started out like they do in movies. All the romance, the butterflies and what I felt was never ending love. But as time went on, things got more difficult, and eventually we lost what I thought could never be lost. People I’ve met, and loved more than anything in the world I barely think of today. It’s almost like they’ve never existed. And it’s such a strange feeling when I start to think about it. I gave them my whole heart and now I don’t even know if they’re alive.

It’s the same in my current relationship, when we met years ago, we were so in love, and nothing else mattered. We did everything together and could barely spend a single night apart. He was on my lips constantly, and I never wanted anything more than I wanted him. Today we still live under the same roof, but I can’t even remember the last time he kissed me. Not like he meant it anyway. We don’t touch, and we barely even speak. We only exist next to each other. There is no love left. Nothing to work with. And I’m getting so desperate. I miss love. I miss the kissing, the touching and just being close to someone. Barely being able to contain yourself, because you’re the luckiest girl in the world. I need that feeling again so badly.

How come love, that we so desperately seek, always seem to end? Is there such a thing as true love? And if so, in who do we find it?

Green

I really envy people with passions. I think passion and ambition is one of the most attractive things in a person. It doesn’t really matter what it is about, as long as it’s there.

I guess I have my little passions too, or more like several things I love, would be a better way to describe it really. And it’s scattered out through many different things, not just one. I love to write, but I also love to make music and to sing. I love playing and dancing but I also love doing nothing at all sometimes. I could never just choose one of all the million things I love, to focus on. So I know that I will never be great at any of them, but honestly I’m completely fine with being decent, because I don’t think I could ever give any of them up.

But still I envy those people at times. You know when you meet them and you see that fiery look in their eyes while telling you all about the thing they love. How their entire soul just fires up and they’re literally sparkling like diamonds. There is something so purely inspiring about that.

I don’t know if passion is something you’re born with or if you can find it later in life too. But the ones that I’ve known with that special spark has been like that all their lives. I wish I could see inside their minds, to have just a taste of what it’s like to be in love like that. Just once.

Exile

Another weekend has passed by really slowly. It’s Sunday morning but I have work tonight so I’m just counting down the hours. I’ve been doing absolutely nothing this weekend, just like the last ones that have passed since I got sober. It’s been 20 days today since I drank my last drink. And I’m not very good with this life thing yet. I don’t really know what to do with myself. You know, I was a full blown alcoholic, for years, I didn’t just have a drink too many here and there and maybe a bit too often. I was drunk every single day. I started drinking as soon as I woke up until the moment I passed out.

And now I’m sober. And I’m so grateful that I’ve made it this far, but still. I have never really had a life before alcohol and I don’t know what people do with their time. I’m kinda just existing, tearing around at home with no clue what to do. I guess I’ll get the hang of it soon enough but it’s starting to really get to me. I’m so extremely bored and restless. I’ve been watching countless movies, read a million books, doing housework and I’m out on long walks listening to music for hours a day, but I’m getting sick of it. What do people do with their time?

The thing is that I need thrills and excitement in my life to feel satisfied, that’s what alcohol gave me and I don’t know how to get it without. Not yet at least, and it’s so frustrating. I think I need to relearn my whole mindset, maybe it’s not that important to feel ecstatic all the time, maybe I don’t have to be out chasing thrills every day. maybe it’s time to feel something else, like safe, warm and content. I’m working towards it every day but it’s really hard, especially when it’s something I’ve never had or wanted before.

I want to be sober. But I also want to be on the roads, the bars and the big city streets. And those things are so hard to combine, at least just right now. I think I need to be sober for quite some time before I can go out and explore what I want in life, without falling of the rails. I don’t want to get lost again.

I’m rambling again

So I’ve never wanted kids. No reason, I just never wished for kids of my own. Which is also the main reason why my previous relationships never worked out, they wanted children, I don’t, we split up. And sure, that always sucked but I’m still very happy with my decision and that I never folded.

I’ve never even thought about the reason I don’t want kids before, it has always just been that way and nothing I really reflected over, until recently. I saw a video with a girl talking about a book she read, it was about how many women (maybe men too? I don’t remember) doesn’t want kids because of their own mothers. How they were treated badly, had a rough childhood, got neglected and so on. And for that reason grew up and was so scared to become like their own terrible mothers themselves that they never got any children because of it. I am sure there is a lot more to that theory but I only saw a short video, I have to read more into it.

But it just got me thinking, is that maybe why I never wanted children of my own? I don’t think so, but maybe? It might be a mix of both, my shitty mom and that I was just never interested in having kids at all, but who knows. I mean, we’re more affected by our childhood then we can imagine, at least that’s what I believe and have experienced myself when I’ve been working on & looking over my own life and who I am as a person today.

Rock bottom

Time has flown by so fast that I’m having trouble keeping up. I’m already 27 years old, and I haven’t done anything I wanted to do in life yet.

I had so much anxiety and stress as a little kid and all the way through my teenage years that I was never able to finish school, which is something I’m really sad about today. I think I really hit my mental health rock bottom when I was in my early 20’s, maybe I was around 22, I don’t really remember. All I remember is how I wished for everything to be over. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. Those thoughts had been going on for years, but it was then I really decided to do something about it. I remember that I took a whole bunch of prescription pain pills that I bought on the streets, went to bed and hoped to never wake up again, and how desperately hopeless I felt when I woke up in that same bed almost two days later, still alive. It felt like I’d gotten hit by a truck and dragged around the entire country, but still, alive.

That next day I went to work as if nothing ever happened. I never spoke about it to a single soul. Until now I guess. I just moved on with my life, depressed and miserable like never before. After that I desperately decided to get some help, and they put me on two different antidepressants, which did absolutely nothing. I was on them for about 1.5 years if I remember correctly. And of course I never told the doctors or my therapist the whole truth about my life, I was always to ashamed. By that time I still felt that it was my fault that my mother never loved or wanted me and that my dad was drinking his way through life. I can’t even describe the absolute shame in those feelings.

This blog is actually the only place I’ve ever spoken about these things, and it feels OK to talk about it for the first time ever. Maybe it’ll do some good for me.

When I was 25 I decided that enough was enough. I wasn’t going to feel this way anymore, and I didn’t care what I had to do to get past it. That’s when my drinking really escalated, even if it was already bad as it was even before that point. But I got up, and I decided to work towards my future. It may sound terrible, but in some ways the drinking actually helped as much as it hurt. It helped me get through a lot of rough times and grief. And now I’m here, completely sober, from everything, fairly happy and are getting closer to my goals everyday. I might not reach them yet for a few years, but at least I’m on my way. And I will get there, I don’t care if it’s when I’m 30 or 55. I’ll reach them when I reach them, and it’s going to feel so damn good.

Bend me over backwards

I have so many things on my mind right now I don’t even know where to start. It’s like I’m thinking about a million things at the same time, and as soon as a new thought comes up the other one disappears, and I don’t even get to finish them lol.

I’m thinking about the future, the past, money, success, ambitions, work and everything in between. I’m literally so bad with my thoughts, I have no control over them what so ever, I’m basically just winging my way through my mind, trying to keep up. It all spins so fast I’m getting dizzy.

I also got only two hours of sleep today which doesn’t help at all, it feels like I’m basically brain dead, and I need to leave for work in one hour so I don’t really have time to get any more rest. I’m probably just going to get myself a huge cup of coffee and hope I’ll survive the night. Ugh, I wish my doc would prescribe me some sleeping pills I could take on days like these. I feel like my life would improve greatly if I could only sleep properly. But he won’t, that lil bitch. And I have no idea why, he only tells me that it’s not a solution, which I obviously already know, but goddamn it would really be a lifesaver at times when I’ve slept badly for several days.

Imagine a life where you sleep 8 hours a night. What a fucking dream that would be.

Sober and bored

I’ve been sober for 14 days today and I am about to lose my mind. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so incredibly bored and unhappy right now. I know it’s probably just a phase of the whole getting sober thing, but I just want a fucking drink, man.

At work it’s fine, at least there I have something to do you know. It’s the weekends that are the problem. I’m just sitting at home with nothing to do. I’m reading, writing, watching movies. That’s it. Alone with my own thoughts, just trying to ride it out.

I’m not going to drink, even though I would really love to. But I want a different life for myself, so I am going to suck it up and be a good girl. I can’t wait for the day when I have saved up enough money to leave this place, to leave the temptation. I know it’s going to be really lonely, but honestly I’m really lonely right now too. All my friends are either big drinkers or addicts too, that’s basically how we all found each other. So I’m staying away from them, at least for now, because I know that if I see them, I’m going to fall right back. I’m in this by myself and it fucking sucks.

It’s been kinda quiet in here for a couple of days. I started this blog to have somewhere to write down my thoughts, and I told myself I would only write when I felt like it. No pressure. And right now I don’t really have anything to write about. Nothing is really happening. I’m used to always having a million thoughts in my head spinning around at the same time, but now it’s just empty. I feel absolutely nothing. And I think that’s what scares me the most, the nothingness, because I don’t know how to work with that. How do you work with nothing?

The switch

Do you ever feel like you’re not just one person? That you’re a different person everyday or in different situations?

I feel like I always turn in to the person I need to be for the moment. It’s kind of like playing a character I think. It’s not that I am this person, it’s more of a role I take on to be able to handle situations better.

There’s Katherine, the strong, independent, bossy and honestly a bit bitchy girl.

There’s May, the sweet & giggling, happy go lucky kind of girl.

And there’s Betty, the careful, responsible good girl. And the list goes on and on.

And I feel like I can switch between them in a heartbeat, and my mind & mood instantly changes. I’d say it’s very convenient, but also a bit confusing at times, especially when I’m trying to figure out which one of all these different personalities is actually me.

Maybe one of all these characters are the real me, I just don’t have any idea which one anymore. Or maybe I am all of them in some way.

Party dresses & diamonds

I’m in my party dresses and diamonds era it seems. I romanticize everything these days. Alcohol, drugs, love & rage. Probably because I’m trying to get away from all that.

I’m trying to write but all I can think of is glittering, glimmering, shimmering crystals. High heels, dresses and big beauty queen hair. Hollywood glamour. So romantic & so tragic at the same time.

I miss partying, I miss the late summer nights out on the town. Dancing on tables & singing in bars. I fucking loved that shit. What I don’t miss is the alcohol, that’s what I’m trying to stay away from. I need to get that shit under control before I can go out again. I think I can be one hell of a party girl even without a drink in my hand, I’ve always been a showgirl. Sure, that went away for awhile under my dark period, but she’s still there. I can feel her.

The future is looking really bright from where I’m standing. Life is going to be like a fucking dream, darling.