Another weekend has passed by really slowly. It’s Sunday morning but I have work tonight so I’m just counting down the hours. I’ve been doing absolutely nothing this weekend, just like the last ones that have passed since I got sober. It’s been 20 days today since I drank my last drink. And I’m not very good with this life thing yet. I don’t really know what to do with myself. You know, I was a full blown alcoholic, for years, I didn’t just have a drink too many here and there and maybe a bit too often. I was drunk every single day. I started drinking as soon as I woke up until the moment I passed out.
And now I’m sober. And I’m so grateful that I’ve made it this far, but still. I have never really had a life before alcohol and I don’t know what people do with their time. I’m kinda just existing, tearing around at home with no clue what to do. I guess I’ll get the hang of it soon enough but it’s starting to really get to me. I’m so extremely bored and restless. I’ve been watching countless movies, read a million books, doing housework and I’m out on long walks listening to music for hours a day, but I’m getting sick of it. What do people do with their time?
The thing is that I need thrills and excitement in my life to feel satisfied, that’s what alcohol gave me and I don’t know how to get it without. Not yet at least, and it’s so frustrating. I think I need to relearn my whole mindset, maybe it’s not that important to feel ecstatic all the time, maybe I don’t have to be out chasing thrills every day. maybe it’s time to feel something else, like safe, warm and content. I’m working towards it every day but it’s really hard, especially when it’s something I’ve never had or wanted before.
I want to be sober. But I also want to be on the roads, the bars and the big city streets. And those things are so hard to combine, at least just right now. I think I need to be sober for quite some time before I can go out and explore what I want in life, without falling of the rails. I don’t want to get lost again.