What’s my name?

Hi darling. It’s been a couple days since I wrote anything in here. I tried a few times but ended up deleting everything, which I feel is kinda bad because writing everything down really helps me a lot, but I really haven’t been able to put anything together. It’s really messy inside my mind right now and nothing seem to make sense, I’m basically just rambling out a million different thoughts at the same time.

I’ve been struggling a lot with my sobriety the last week, more than ever before actually. I haven’t been drinking though, don’t worry. I’ve been sober 32 days today, and I’m planning on staying sober. Hopefully forever I guess. But at least a year. Just to get things straight and figure out what I want to do in life.

I’ve been writing a lot of music lately. I’m really starting to get into all that again, I enjoy singing and don’t mind playing other peoples songs at all, but it’s just more fun when you have written it yourself, especially when it turns out pretty good. I’m a bit rusty since I basically haven’t written any songs in years, but I’m getting better every day. It’s really great. I don’t think I’ll ever actually do anything with it though, that thing is kinda just for me and my own satisfaction, but we’ll see I guess. Maybe I’ll post some songs I wrote here some day.

Girl… stfu

Jesus Christ I’ve been such a mess the past few weeks. I literally cry over everything. Music, YouTube videos, books & movies. Even when it’s not sad. If something is the slightest emotional or nice I’m going to start bawling my eyes out, I’m a literal mess, and I have no idea what is happening. I just try to keep my shit together at work but I honestly barely make it through my shifts.

I don’t know dude, maybe it’s because so much is changing right now? Me getting sober, trying to figure life out and realizing there’s no love left between me & my partner. But the thing is that I don’t feel sad, I feel completely fine one second and the next I’m crying like a baby, and soon after I’m fine again. It’s like my emotions are outside my body instead of inside right now for some reason.

I’m not sad or depressed I’m just a fucking crybaby. So annoying, I’m literally pissing myself of every single day, lol.

Play house

Love is the most important thing for me. It has always been. Absolutely in a destructive way. Nothing else has never mattered unless there’s love. I have no difficulties being alone, it’s not about that, I just always have to believe that it’s out there. And if I’ve ever doubted it, it’s then my life has fallen down in this pitch black hole of nothingness. But also love is the one thing that has never turned out like I thought it would.

I’ve had a few lovers. And some of them really started out like they do in movies. All the romance, the butterflies and what I felt was never ending love. But as time went on, things got more difficult, and eventually we lost what I thought could never be lost. People I’ve met, and loved more than anything in the world I barely think of today. It’s almost like they’ve never existed. And it’s such a strange feeling when I start to think about it. I gave them my whole heart and now I don’t even know if they’re alive.

It’s the same in my current relationship, when we met years ago, we were so in love, and nothing else mattered. We did everything together and could barely spend a single night apart. He was on my lips constantly, and I never wanted anything more than I wanted him. Today we still live under the same roof, but I can’t even remember the last time he kissed me. Not like he meant it anyway. We don’t touch, and we barely even speak. We only exist next to each other. There is no love left. Nothing to work with. And I’m getting so desperate. I miss love. I miss the kissing, the touching and just being close to someone. Barely being able to contain yourself, because you’re the luckiest girl in the world. I need that feeling again so badly.

How come love, that we so desperately seek, always seem to end? Is there such a thing as true love? And if so, in who do we find it?

Green

I really envy people with passions. Like the ones that are so passionate about that one thing that they will do anything to become one of the greatest at it. I think passion and ambition is one of the most attractive things in a person. It doesn’t really matter what it is about, as long as it’s there.

I guess I have my little passions too, or more like several things I really love, would be a better way to describe it really. And it’s scattered out through many different things, not just one. I love to write, but I also love to make music and to sing. I love playing and dancing but I also love doing nothing at all sometimes. I could never just choose one of all the million things I love, to focus on. So I know that I will never be great at any of them, but honestly I’m completely fine with being decent, because I don’t think I could ever give any of them up.

But still I envy those people at times. You know when you meet them and you see that fiery look in their eyes while telling you all about the thing they love. How their entire soul just fires up and they’re literally sparkling like diamonds. There is something so purely inspiring about that.

I don’t know if passion is something you’re born with or if you can find it later in life too. But the ones that I’ve known with that special spark has been like that all their lives. I wish I could see inside their minds, to have just a taste of what it’s like to be in love like that. Just once.

October baby

It’s 3.30 in the morning and I’m at work. I’m on a short break sitting outside just hoping for time to pass by faster. I can’t wait to get home and crawl into bed and fall asleep to a movie. I’ve been having such cozy mornings lately now when it starts getting darker and colder outside. I light some candles and eat hot soup in bed while cuddling the kitties. Just trying to make life as enjoyable as I can. Speaking of soup, I can’t seem to stop eating lately, lol. Since I got sober all I do is eat, I seriously have no limits. It’s crazy. But still I’ve lost a lot of weight. The alcohol is truly a big calorie bomb, all of my clothes are too big now. I actually thought I’d gain some weight due to all the excessive eating, so I’m not complaining at all, just a little surprised.

And it’s Halloween soon too! I never used to decorate before but I actually think I will this year, you know, just make the most of it. And buy shitloads of candy for all the trick or treaters, I think it will be fun! And I will totally get some cute costumes for the cats, they’re most likely gonna hate it and tear it to shreds immediately but everything for a cute photo right?

Alright, I need to get back inside and start finishing up work before I can head home. I hope you’ll get a lovely day.

I believe in the kindness of strangers

I’m not a religious person, I’ve never been. The only thing I’ve always believed in is love. And people. That everything happens for a reason and that it will all work out in the end, no matter how long or how tough the road might be. And I have never doubted it, not once. So maybe you could say that love is my religion. Such a cliché right?

Basically everyone I know would call me naive, but I feel like that is such a pessimistic word. I would rather say that I’m a lover.

But just because I’m a lover it doesn’t mean I’m stupid, I know I am naive, I’m well aware. Probably even too naive. I know how the world works. But I will still give people a million chances, because I believe we’re all good. Just some less or more than others. I don’t care, it’s just the way I am, and we are who we are right? People tell you all the time, you can’t change anyone. You can absolutely improve, but never change completely.

If someone hurt me, one of us are hurt. If I hurt them back, two of us would be hurt. And I don’t see how that is an improvement. 100% hurting is a lot of hurt. I’d rather just look the other way and move on with my life. And if that makes me stupid, well so be it.

I believe that being naive is the number one reason that kept me alive this far. I’ve been through a lot of shit, seen a lot of nasty things and lost a lot of people, but I always believed in bettering, even when everything seemed hopeless, I believed that one day everything would be fantastic, and I still do.

Believing in love & kindness is what has kept me going. So yes, I am obnoxiously naive, and fucking proud.

Exile

Another weekend has passed by really slowly. It’s Sunday morning but I have work tonight so I’m just counting down the hours. I’ve been doing absolutely nothing this weekend, just like the last ones that have passed since I got sober. It’s been 20 days today since I drank my last drink. And I’m not very good with this life thing yet. I don’t really know what to do with myself. You know, I was a full blown alcoholic, for years, I didn’t just have a drink too many here and there and maybe a bit too often. I was drunk every single day. I started drinking as soon as I woke up until the moment I passed out.

And now I’m sober. And I’m so grateful that I’ve made it this far, but still. I have never really had a life before alcohol and I don’t know what people do with their time. I’m kinda just existing, tearing around at home with no clue what to do. I guess I’ll get the hang of it soon enough but it’s starting to really get to me. I’m so extremely bored and restless. I’ve been watching countless movies, read a million books, doing housework and I’m out on long walks listening to music for hours a day, but I’m getting sick of it. What do people do with their time?

The thing is that I need thrills and excitement in my life to feel satisfied, that’s what alcohol gave me and I don’t know how to get it without. Not yet at least, and it’s so frustrating. I think I need to relearn my whole mindset, maybe it’s not that important to feel ecstatic all the time, maybe I don’t have to be out chasing thrills every day. maybe it’s time to feel something else, like safe, warm and content. I’m working towards it every day but it’s really hard, especially when it’s something I’ve never had or wanted before.

I want to be sober. But I also want to be on the roads, the bars and the big city streets. And those things are so hard to combine, at least just right now. I think I need to be sober for quite some time before I can go out and explore what I want in life, without falling of the rails. I don’t want to get lost again.

I’m rambling again

So I’ve never wanted kids. No reason, I just never wished for kids of my own. Which is also the main reason why my previous relationships never worked out, they wanted children, I don’t, we split up. And sure, that always sucked but I’m still very happy with my decision and that I never folded.

I’ve never even thought about the reason I don’t want kids before, it has always just been that way and nothing I really reflected over, until recently. I saw a video with a girl talking about a book she read, it was about how many women (maybe men too? I don’t remember) doesn’t want kids because of their own mothers. How they were treated badly, had a tough childhood, got neglected and so on. And for that reason grew up and was so scared to become like their own terrible mothers themselves that they never got any children because of it. I am sure there is a lot more to that theory but I only saw a short video, I have to read more into it.

But it just got me thinking, is that maybe why I never wanted children of my own? I don’t think so, but maybe? It might be a mix of both, my shitty mom and that I was just never interested in having kids at all, but who knows. I mean, we’re more affected by our childhood then we even can imagine, at least that’s what I believe and have experienced myself when I’ve been working on & looking over my own life and who I am as a person today.

Ok so this post became a bit messy, I wrote it in a hurry at 3 o’clock in the morning, but I hope you got the point at least. Maybe we can talk more about it later on if you’re interested. Or what do you think about all this?

Rock bottom

Time has flown by so fast that I’m having trouble keeping up. I’m already 27 years old, and I haven’t done anything I wanted to do in life yet.

I had so much anxiety and stress as a little kid and all the way through my teenage years that I was never able to finish school, which is something I’m really sad about today. I think I really hit my mental health rock bottom when I was in my early 20’s, maybe I was around 22, I don’t really remember. All I remember is how I wished for everything to be over. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. Those thoughts had been going on for years, but it was then I really decided to do something about it. I remember that I took a whole bunch of strong prescription pain pills that I bought on the streets, went to bed and hoped to never wake up again, and how desperately hopeless I felt when I woke up in that same bed almost two days later, still alive. It felt like I’d gotten hit by a truck and dragged around the entire country, but still, alive.

That next day I went to work as if nothing ever happened. I never spoke about it to a single soul. Until now I guess. I just moved on with my life, depressed and miserable like never before. After that I desperately decided to get some help, and they put me on two different antidepressants, which did absolutely nothing. I was on them for about 1.5 years if I remember correctly. And of course I never told the doctors or my therapist the whole truth about my life, I was always to ashamed. By that time I still felt that it was my fault that my mother never loved or wanted me and that my dad was drinking his way through life. The absolute shame in those feelings I can’t even describe.

This blog is actually the only place I’ve ever spoken about these things, and it feels OK to talk about it for the first time ever. Maybe it’ll do some good for me.

When I was 25 I decided that enough was enough. I wasn’t going to feel this way anymore, and I didn’t care what I had to do to get past it. That’s when my drinking really escalated, even if it was already bad as it was even before that point. But I got up, and I decided to work towards my future. It may sound terrible, but in some ways the drinking actually helped as much as it hurt. It helped me get through a lot of rough times and grief. And now I’m here, completely sober, from everything, fairly happy and are getting closer to my goals everyday. I might not reach them yet for a few years, but at least I’m on my way. And I will get there, I don’t care if it’s when I’m 30 or 55. I’ll reach them when I reach them, and it’s going to feel so damn good.

Habits

I’m starting to get back on track again, I have a million notes in my phone about things I want to write about. I just haven’t found the peace and quiet to actually sit down and put words on paper yet. Like I’ve written about earlier my mind has been spinning lately, and thoughts have been leaving my head as soon as they’ve come. But I feel like it’s about to calm down a bit and that feels amazing, maybe I’ll finally be able to actually get things done again and not just wander around like a crazy person.

I have one more night of work before the weekend, it’s a short weekend though since I work this Sunday again. But at least it’s something! I’ll just try to get as much rest as I can, and I promise I’ll get back to the writing! I have so much to talk about. I just need to find my way back.